Why I am who I am

I am half French Canadian, a quarter Irish and a quarter German. This, on the other hand, does not define me. Sydney Marie Vernier has not been created by my ancestors. I have, through my family and experiences, created who I am today ;  in other words, I have been created over time. Let me try to explain myself. Literally. I started creating myself when I hit middle school. When I was little, I used to play in the yard and play with all the animals and bugs I found, but this hasn’t made me who I am today. I have always been a hard worker and devoted learner; in spite of this fact, I never really started learning until my time in middle school. I do not mean academically; I mean learning how to live. My parents used to be madly in love. This, unfortunately, started to fade when I turned about ten. First, It started with arguments.  They were loud! The house would quake under the roaring of my mother’s and father’s voices. I would sit in my room, listening to the rumble of arguments. I taught myself to self sooth. I would exercise, listen to music and keep myself busy to try and ease my worried mind. Next, came the backstabbing. My mom would come to my sisters and me and talk bad about my dad, and my dad would do the same thing as my mom.I knew it was none of my business.  I kept my mouth shut. I had become the adult, and my parents had become the children. It was terrifying. By the age of twelve, I had to grow up. My mom would bicker about my dad for a couple minutes just to vent off her anger from the argument; similarly, my dad would do the same. I used to cry a lot, so I quickly had to learn to hold back the tears and be strong. It just got worse, though. At the end, there was a divorce. I saw the divorce coming for years, so it didn’t shock me. The thing that shocked me, and affected me the most, was the fact my dad was moving so far away. Guam. The word echoed through my mind as tears rolled down my face. I didn’t know where it was. All I knew is it was far away. The distances of 7,342 miles was heart breaking. Also, to add to the pain, I wasn’t allowed to go to Guam. For legal reasons, I wouldn’t be able to go to Guam until I turned 18, which was a ways off. My dad reassured me I would be okay without him. He had taught me so much before he left: how to do the dishes, do the laundry, cook, and wake myself up for school. I was practically on my own. With my mom working all the time, I knew I had to fend for myself. I learned to take care of myself and not to take anything for granted. I didn’t realize, until he moved, how privileged I was to be able to see my father every day and be able to actually spend time with him. I got a reminder of this fact again when my aunt passed away. I was grieving over her death for many months. At the same time I was grieving, I got a wake up call. My dad had a collapsed lung. In the process of them fixing this, they had found cancer. My father had stage four lung cancer, which is very serious. Nevertheless, I kept my hopes high. Instead of falling into a deep depression, I pushed away my sorrow and looked on the bright side. It is hard to see the bright side when someone you hold close to your heart has cancer, but I didn’t let the sorrow stand in my way. I began to help people. I looked past my own problems and selfishness and began using my experience to my benefit. I raised money between my friends and me to send to my dad. The medical bills when you have cancer are very high. We raised a small amount of $147 dollars. It was a start. I didn’t only work to help my dad; I wanted to help everyone. I began being someone anyone could turn to. I didn’t judge the pain people felt, whether it was big or small. I counseled people I barely even knew and tried to understand everyone. It discouraged my sorrow and encouraged my happiness. It was something that made me realize I have life pretty good. Sure, my life isn’t perfect, but it could be a lot worse. My self-esteem, unfortunately, was not something easily fixed. When my father moved, I found myself trying to fill a hole in my heart that he left behind. I turned to trying to find the perfect boyfriend. It is a weird concept and many people look at me weird when I tell him this, yet, in all honesty, I was looking for a manly figure in my life. I fell into the arms of boys. I trusted easily because I wanted someone to understand what I was going through. I no longer wanted to have to self soothe. I wanted someone to comfort me and tell me everything would be all right. This only caused me to hurt more. Many people broke my trust before I learned to choose who I trust wisely. I had been emotionally and physically abused by boyfriends who “cared” about me. I have been pushed into a wall and been put down, adding to my insecurities. I built up walls and hid behind them so no one could hurt me. I tried to be invisible. I didn’t understand at the time that not everyone can be trusted. But, man, do I know now. Through all the pain and sorrow, I began to grow stronger. I found someone I could trust and began to tell him everything, good and bad. I met him at a memorial service. He had gotten my number from my friend and right off the bat said he would be there for me. I started with just turning to him with small things. He gave me comfort and made me laugh away the pain. He brought the hope back into my eyes. Days began to look brighter and my confidence began to build. He convinced me that anything was possible if I worked for it. I began striving to increase my grades, which had been slipping during the divorce and my downhill spiral.  I got more lively and always had a smile on my face. He would make up small competitions, like who could draw a better picture and who could get more blog views. He pushed me to become the best I could be; I couldn’t be more thankful. Over the years, I have been through a lot. It has been a whirlwind of emotions with lots of tears and pain, but it also has been a lot of laughs and good memories. I know my life hasn’t been perfect; however, I wouldn’t change it for the world. What I have been through has made me who I am today, and I wouldn’t ever want to change who I have become.